Obiwan Kebaby

This picture was taken last night, night three of CIO,

it doesn't seem like he's a sociopath without human connection yet...wish us all luck.

We were inspired by the sleeping babies from St. Louis and decided to let poor little Declan "cry it out". I refused to do the cold turkey approach where we just let him cry on his own, so we decided that we'd go in every few minutes to reassure Declan that we loved him and that we were there.

The first night, Declan went down fine but woke up around 12:30. We did our intervals for only about 15 minutes before he was asleep. We felt cautiously optimistic. Declan woke again at 3:30 and I fed him. At that point, I noticed he was hot so I took his temperature, shit! it was 101.1. I had read an article, one of the main things that persuaded me to finally try this, that basically said babies respond to all methods of sleep training but that the key is consistency. Once you pick a routine you must stick to it, or you end up with lasting sleep issues. But Ferber says not to do cry it out if a baby is sick. Great. Just great. Can't anything go smoothly? Murphy's Law, right?

What people don't tell you is that it's not just during the crying that CIO is unbearable. There's so much anti-CIO out talk out there that insists you are doing irreparable damage to your baby's psyche, there's even a website for adults who have been damaged by CIO, that I've been constantly needy for Declan to show me affection and show signs that he's not on a permanent downward spiral. It's been a gut wrenching few days. I'm convinced he doesn't love me anymore and that I've irreparably ripped up our mom/baby bond. At this exact moment, Declan is upstairs crying his head off, and it's so hard not to do anything, not because I think he's in distress about anything other than being tired and pissed, but because there's that voice in the back of my head that tells me that he knows I'm doing this to him on purpose and he won't ever be the same.

We did decide to continue with CIO even though Declan is sick. That's not the "right" thing to do, but we know our perceptive child and we know if we went back on it, there is a good chance it might never work. Controversial, I know, but to everyone's surprise, he seems to be taking to it...at night. The daytime is another story, but last night, to Rich's and my amazement, we watched on the monitor as Declan woke up, looked around, propped himself up, and then flopped around, all without crying. In a few minutes he'd put himself to sleep. We've had two good nights, but even those nights don't give me the reassurance I need that Declan is still going to trust and love me. How needy am I?

The daytime has been the real struggle. Declan's not feeling well, but he's still refusing to go down for a nap when he's tired. It's been at least 25 minutes of crying before his first nap the past three days. Words can't describe how hollow it makes me feel to know he wants (not needs) me and I'm just choosing not to go in there. And my mind tells me that it's because he's sick, not because he hates me that he hasn't been as affectionate, but I'm on constant red-alert checking his every sign.

On a happy note, my cat Hunter, the pee king, has disappeared. We hope he's found another home to pee in.