Missing Daddy

It's only now that I truly understand the biological need for monogamy. I can say confidently that this is the first time in Rich and my eight year relationship that I've truly needed him. I've always wanted him, of course. And although having a baby makes alone time almost impossible, it also adds depth and dimension to our existing relationship. I think both of us are impressed by how the other handles parenting responsibilities and marvel at the different strengths that have come to the surface.

And even though I have a lot of support from family and friends while Rich is out of town, nothing, absolutely nothing can fill the void. I wish I could say that I was confident and strong enough to handle everything on my own wonderfully, but I can't. It's hard to admit that, but it's the hands down truth.

Rich is the perfect balance to my emotional, attachment parenting. He brings reason and structure and perspective. Those things just can't be truly accessed over the phone. This, I can see now, is where true partnership begins. And I need my partner. He's coming home tonight. Hallelujah!!!

Upside Down

From almost the moment Declan was born, all the new dads we knew seemed to give the same advice: the baby gets a lot more interactive when they are around six months old. Rich, being the great dad he is, has put an enormous amount of effort into caring for and bonding with Declan these past few months, but, in the end, the truth is that men don't have the same instinctual baby need that women have.

Obviously, there is major biology at work here because I felt connected and bonded to Declan almost instantly and was probably immune to anyone else's struggles to do the same. So far, it's all been about survival. But, in the last few weeks (because everything changes every week it seems) Rich has really found his bonding niche. He makes Declan laugh by rubbing his little feet against his head and was so excited when he tried to hold Declan upside down and Declan didn't cry. In fact, they both love it now, and it seems like Rich is constantly toting Declan around the house upside down or slung over his shoulder. Declan's face is usually red, but elated, and I can see the budding of a new relationship. It seems like every chance Rich gets, he's trying new methods to entertain Declan, and I know they both love it.

Declan is constantly changing, and this morning was a great example of it. I had a hard night sleeping last night, Rich watched Predator before we went to bed and we (stupidly) ended up having a conversation about what would happen if Predator came to our house. Cue horror movie music. Plus, our garage door was open when we got home from Topeka, and at 2:00 am it occurred to me that a killer could be hiding upstairs waiting for us to go to bed. Rich confidently declared that if any killer was there, he'd have done the deed already and that I should go to sleep. Silly me, I wasn't at all knowledgable about the fictional killer's plan. But Rich is used to my fear of the dark.

Anyway, Rich left at about 5:20 for the airport this morning, right about the same time I pulled Declan into bed to nurse. Usually he falls right asleep and we both get a few good hours, but this morning, Declan was chipper and playful. He was "playing" until 6:00 and keeping me awake right along with him. Needless to say after fearing Predator all night, I was exausted. I heard Declan rustling around around 7:00 but refused to wake up, and I thought he went back to sleep until I heard a loud grunt. I opened my eyes to see Declan, fully awake, staring straight into my eyes, grunting. When he saw that he'd woken me up, he smiled. I big, satisfied grin. Although I was extremely exhausted, I gave in and smiled right back, so proud that he'd come up with a way to wake me up and happy that he wanted to spend time with me.

Oh yeah, and Declan can sit up now, as the picture shows. Like I said, it's always changing.

Moving Forward

I've been Debbie Downer lately, I know. CIO has been hard, but we're finally on the tail end. Because of that, I've gotten three good nights of sleep...if this keeps up it will be worth the anguish.

Declan is coming out of his first sickness and has added on a set of new skills. As you can see, he's becoming proficient at sitting up without assistance. He's been working on this for awhile. He's got the best abs on a baby I've ever seen because he's been doing a baby crunch passionately for the past few weeks. Does that comment make me sound like I'm a step away from entering him into a baby boy pageant? They do exist, I know because my boyfriend Justin Timberlake was in one as a boy. The crunches, I think, are a boy thing. My mom doesn't remember us doing it, but several boy mommies say this is pretty normal.

Anyway, in addition to sitting up pretty well, Declan has become much more aware of his surroundings. He watches us eat and is fascinated by my coffee mug. He's also discovered Scooter and, unfortunately, Scooter has realized this so he now tries to lick Declan all the time. Especially after mealtime. It's okay for Scooter to clean the floor around the baby, but I'd rather use a washcloth for his face, you know?

Declan is trying new foods too. He's now had rice and oatmeal cereal (he likes oatmeal better), applesauce, and avocados. It really is true that you can't give a baby sweet food first, the first night of avocado, Declan loved it...until he gagged because he wasn't swallowing, just storing it in his cheeks like a chipmunk. Last night though, Grandma Lauri fed him avocado and cereal at the same time, and Declan, being advanced as he is, was not having the avocado. It's like when you're on a diet and you get used to the sugar free ice cream and start thinking it's good...until you taste the sweet nectar of the real thing and you fall off the wagon.

I'm trying to make all of his baby food myself. I think jarred food is nasty, so I don't want to feed it to him. So far, it's been easy. I've got a bunch of blended nectarine ready for next week, which I think will be a hit. After that, we're going for sweet potato and acorn squash. Wish us luck!

There is one more thing. It's not a polite thing to talk about, but when you have a baby it just becomes more important. Like important enough to post on the Internet. Yes, I'm talking about poop. Stop now if you have no interest. I wouldn't if I didn't have a baby. Poop didn't used to be a common topic of conversation, now it's like talking about shoes or TV, and just as addictive.

Anyhoo, Declan's poop has passed a major milestone. It was just as surprising as seeing him roll over for the first time. And I'm just as proud. Declan is now creating real, round, solid poop. At first I thought it was a part of his anatomy (you know what I'm talking about) but after a solid minute of trying to figure out how it got all the way back there (I've lost a few IQ points), I realized what it was. I promptly called Rich up to look at it and show him how it rolled around. (Seriously, parenting does change you) Even as I'm writing this, I can't believe I'm posting this...but it's the big story of the week so I can't resist.

Obiwan Kebaby

This picture was taken last night, night three of CIO,

it doesn't seem like he's a sociopath without human connection yet...wish us all luck.

We were inspired by the sleeping babies from St. Louis and decided to let poor little Declan "cry it out". I refused to do the cold turkey approach where we just let him cry on his own, so we decided that we'd go in every few minutes to reassure Declan that we loved him and that we were there.

The first night, Declan went down fine but woke up around 12:30. We did our intervals for only about 15 minutes before he was asleep. We felt cautiously optimistic. Declan woke again at 3:30 and I fed him. At that point, I noticed he was hot so I took his temperature, shit! it was 101.1. I had read an article, one of the main things that persuaded me to finally try this, that basically said babies respond to all methods of sleep training but that the key is consistency. Once you pick a routine you must stick to it, or you end up with lasting sleep issues. But Ferber says not to do cry it out if a baby is sick. Great. Just great. Can't anything go smoothly? Murphy's Law, right?

What people don't tell you is that it's not just during the crying that CIO is unbearable. There's so much anti-CIO out talk out there that insists you are doing irreparable damage to your baby's psyche, there's even a website for adults who have been damaged by CIO, that I've been constantly needy for Declan to show me affection and show signs that he's not on a permanent downward spiral. It's been a gut wrenching few days. I'm convinced he doesn't love me anymore and that I've irreparably ripped up our mom/baby bond. At this exact moment, Declan is upstairs crying his head off, and it's so hard not to do anything, not because I think he's in distress about anything other than being tired and pissed, but because there's that voice in the back of my head that tells me that he knows I'm doing this to him on purpose and he won't ever be the same.

We did decide to continue with CIO even though Declan is sick. That's not the "right" thing to do, but we know our perceptive child and we know if we went back on it, there is a good chance it might never work. Controversial, I know, but to everyone's surprise, he seems to be taking to it...at night. The daytime is another story, but last night, to Rich's and my amazement, we watched on the monitor as Declan woke up, looked around, propped himself up, and then flopped around, all without crying. In a few minutes he'd put himself to sleep. We've had two good nights, but even those nights don't give me the reassurance I need that Declan is still going to trust and love me. How needy am I?

The daytime has been the real struggle. Declan's not feeling well, but he's still refusing to go down for a nap when he's tired. It's been at least 25 minutes of crying before his first nap the past three days. Words can't describe how hollow it makes me feel to know he wants (not needs) me and I'm just choosing not to go in there. And my mind tells me that it's because he's sick, not because he hates me that he hasn't been as affectionate, but I'm on constant red-alert checking his every sign.

On a happy note, my cat Hunter, the pee king, has disappeared. We hope he's found another home to pee in.

Rejuvenation

This weekend, I got to spend time with two mothers who had baby boys in the same week that Declan was born. Sometimes, this can feel totally isolating, but other times, it's like you're in a new club that was previously closed.

I knew I'd have a great time with Benton as soon as she apologized for her cat. I told her we had two cats and a dog and her eyes got big "me too!". I then explained that I wasn't a great pet-mommy because my animals were on Craigslist. Her eyes sparkled "mine too!". At that moment, I knew we were kindred spirits. She has a bigfatbaby too. We laughed about spending our days in the living room, and how a trip to the store is now a big outing. It's important to know that Benton has always been glamorous. In college, when everyone else had a Bud Light, she had a glass of wine...at The Wheel. She was ready for fine dining and first class traveling when everyone else was deciding whether to use the Porto-potty or go behind a car. So I wasn't surprised that when I saw her she was wearing a cute, hot pink maxi dress. She promptly explained that she had to wear the terry dress because it was just like a towel and could absorb spit up. Meanwhile, I was envisioning my dirty tank top and pj pants. We had a great visit, her son, Axel, was so sweet and time flies when you're talking baby poop. She walked me out and as I turned to say bye, Axel, who was grinning ear-to-ear, spit up all over her. She nodded to the terry dress. That, folks, is the essence of motherhood.

Melissa is on her second baby. Caleb is 22 months and Evan is 5. Do the math. This poor lady has been pregnant or dealing with a newborn for a loooong time. She still manages to make all of Evan's food from scratch, play educational games with Caleb, work part-time, and find every great baby bargain there is. It's insane. It was such a relief to see all of the different approaches she was taking and how they played out in the family. She gives her 5-month-old formula and started him on solids really early. They've already cried it out with him. These are two things that all the babycenter moms say are no-nos, but Evan doesn't wake up every two hours like Declan and he's a happy, smiling baby who loves his mommy. Caleb watches TV, another so-called controversy...except that he is smart and engaging and loves to play outside. He is incredibly verbal and fun.

So why all the hoopla? I swear it's like everything that parents can do to ease their burden and gain some sanity ends up being controversial...for no reason whatsoever. I think if I listened to everything that books and the Internet say about babies, I'd be letting Declan rule everything about my life. Unintentionally, of course, but isn't this how we get in situations like you see on Nanny 911?

Cut to eight years from now, my Gary Busey hair has turned into Amy Winehouse's, my face is haggard. My kids are throwing temper tantrums in my severely messy house while I'm eating Cheetos and watching TV, my only break from the incessant whining and demands...but I didn't let them cry it out, that would be bad for them...

How do I sift through all the conflicting messages? Right now, I'm trusting the real-life examples that I see instead of the hypothetical "perfection" in books. Wish me luck. Maybe I should just stop reading babycenter...

Whew!

It was beyond wonderful to have Rich home this weekend. Last week was so disorienting and upsetting for so many reasons, and just having Rich there was rejuvenating. But, being the amazing husband he is, Rich took the late night feedings on Friday and Saturday nights and I ended up getting two nights of six hour stretches! That may sound like painfully little sleep to those of you without little ones, but, trust me, it's sleeping like Rip Van Winkle for the new parent set. Then, miracle of all miracles, Declan slept from 12:45 to...wait for it...6:25 today!

I feel like a new woman! My house may get clean. Hell, I may get clean! I'm thinking of activities I can do with him today instead of plotting ways to get him in his swing so I can get a nap! This is why I start fantasizing about "cry it out". It does seem counterintuitive: let your baby cry even though it will rip your heart out, but at what point do the benefits outweigh the costs? If I take that dreaded leap, it may hurt in the short run, but in the long run, Declan will get a more motivated, happy mommy. So what's more important, the nighttime parenting or the daytime interaction? I don't want Declan to become less trusting of me or distant, which is what anti-cry it out people proclaim. But my intuition tells me that the love and support I'll give him during the day will outweigh his relatively few nights of angst. I'll keep you posted on the final decision. Whatever it is, I'd like to wait until six months to do it. That gives me one more month to ponder.

Yesterday I did something I thought I'd never do: I dressed my little one like his daddy. Or I should say, Rich did the dressing. But, I didn't think it was cheesy. In fact, I LOVED it. It made me smile all day that they were so cute together. They already look just alike and the matching outfits just made my day. What's next, Christmas sweaters? Seriously, I never thought I'd be condoning, much less encouraging behavior like this. Watch out the next time you see me, I might be wearing mom jeans and a sweatshirt with some sort of cat on it...embroidered. Even this morning, when I looked at the pictures I took, it made me proud. My two gorgeous boys.

Worst. Week. Ever.

I'm a big reader. Since I found out I was pregnant, I started snatching up every related book out there. What to Expect When You're Expecting freaked me out a little, but for the most part, I really enjoyed learning about everything that was going on.

Since having Declan, I've read countless parenting books, and lately I've been searching for some sort of method or explanation or magic potion that would help. What I've mostly found though, is more confusion. It all sounds so simple on paper. And logical too. Put your baby to bed on his back slightly awake and he'll learn to put himself to sleep. It makes total sense that the more you repeat a pattern, the more babies respond...except when they don't, because sometimes they won't. And of course, of course the easiest way for Declan to sleep is on his tummy. So I have to choose: get a little sleep, but possibly kill my baby or just stay up for a year straight and go crazy (insert mental picture of Gary Busey's mug shot).

Aside: It's not even a stretch to compare myself to Gary Busey's mug shot. I'm going to bed tonight with rice cereal in my hair, and I think there's baby pee in my bed. And I don't even care. If you haven't seen it, Google it. Then put my face where his is and imagine that his hair is molded using rice cereal...perfection.

Anyhoo, so I've been on my own this week, and it just so happens that all the "bad habits" we've developed over the time when Rich was home (we'll now refer to that as "the honeymoon phase") have now come to a head and it's sink or swim time. For example, our petite saucisse (or little sausage) loves, still, at 18 pounds, to be swaddled. It was okay when Rich was here because he could take the only swaddler that worked and wrap Declan into a papoose in no time. Me, I'm not great at it. Declan just ends up crying more because he keeps breaking out in the middle of the night. So I've decided that this week is the end of the swaddle. I washed it, folded it, and packed it up. Declan was not aware of this, and was expecting his nice, comfy swaddle. Enter fireworks.

I won't go into the details, but I will say that it's taken over an hour and a half each of the past three days to get Declan down for his afternoon nap, not to mention any of the other times I have to put him down. Needless to say, it's been a struggle. I have new respect for single moms. I don't know how they do it. I'm sure it will get easier, but for now, I'm Gary Busey, saying "good night".

Honesty

One of the things that bonds Rich and I is that we're both honest people. We're also very earnest, we want to be good people and we work hard at it. What goes along with that is that we both have very high standards. We give a lot and expect a lot in return. This definitely applies to Declan, poor kid.

This weekend we went to my friend Laura's baby shower. It wasn't long after we left that I realized we must be the most annoying party guests. Everyone politely asked about Declan and over and over again I found myself talking about two things: his size and his sleeping habits. I'm sure people just wanted to hear that he was great and we loved him, which are both true. But Rich and I, so engrossed in our daily struggles, just focused on what wasn't going right.

At one point in the night, I was asked if Declan was on a schedule. Rich and I both answered "no". We thought we were being honest. In reality though, we were being earnest. I realized that Rich and I are applying our high standards to our child. We don't want to be baby liars, and pride ourselves on our honesty. According to our standards, Declan was not on a perfect schedule yet. But, I began to realize, that wasn't the truth. Declan actually is on a schedule. He wakes up from 8:00-9:00, eats, plays for a couple of hours and is ready for his first nap from around 10:30 to noon. Then he eats, plays, and goes down for his afternoon nap from 1:30-3:00. Sometimes these cycles occur later, sometimes earlier, and sometimes he has an off day and doesn't follow this. Mostly though, he follows a schedule. Rich and I's standards are just so high and we want to be honest, so we answer "no". He doesn't wake up at the exact same time every day or go to sleep for his nap at exactly 11:45 every day, but I don't think that's what babies do.

It's like the woman my sister told me about who claimed that her one-year-old could say 100 words. She counted every "word" that came out of his mouth. I'm the opposite. I won't claim something until I'm absolutely sure it's there.

I think this is just as bad as baby lying. Because we're misrepresenting the truth. The truth is that we have a wonderful, lovely baby who is darling and smiley and we are working hard at being the best parents we can be for him.

He's Laughing At Me!

Yesterday, Rich and I decided to take Declan to the Spencer Museum of Art. It's small, local, and indoors, which makes it the perfect little outing. But we forgot one thing, you're supposed to be quiet when you go to a museum. We made it through the first room fine, there was some brightly colored art that he enjoyed. Then we went to the Renaissance room, which was dark and somewhat depressing. Declan started sqirming. By the time we got upstairs he was fussing a little, but not much. The problem was that there was some sort of program being filmed and Declan kept ruining the audio. I'm sure wherever that interview broadcasts, Declan's cries will be in the background.

So, we sheepishly left the museum, apologizing to all on our way out. We decided that he must be tired, so we quickly went home and swaddled him (yes, he's too big for every swaddler, but he won't go to sleep without one, so we improvise) and started the bouncing so that he'd go down for his nap. I was busy and didn't notice that Rich had been bouncing much longer than usual. So I was surprised when he looked over at me exasperated and said, in a mild panic "he's laughing at me, I'm working so hard to get him to sleep and he's just laughing at me". Sure enough, Declan was wide awake, smiley, and laughing. It's like he was victorious in getting us to leave the stuffy museum and had faked his crankiness to get his way. Now that he was home like he wanted to be, he was happy. We took the picture above right afterward. Now I know that babies don't have the capacity for this kind of planning, anticipation, and execution, but he is advanced afterall. Didn't I say he was advanced? Maybe he's an evil genius...and we're just his puppets.